On my way to work the other day, I got to thinking about the things I'm going through at the moment. I wanted to cuss and scream out loud, hating how things don't really even turn out the way they do...in movies.
In movies, when things happen, they get too cliché and you give up saying "THIS MOVIE IS LOUSY!" because you totally get what happens next. If it doesn't turn out that way you say the same thing, because "ITS WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN". But what if its not? What if its too complicated for any of that to end up the way you envisioned things in your head? How do you know what's best for these people? Just because you understand it doesn't mean you know what's right.
Its sort of like "weaving", I guess. Only the people involved can know every fiber, every strand it makes. And that's pretty scary if you ask me. Such a huge responsibility to carry on your shoulders.
I look back at my life and start to question the things that lead me here...to this moment. All I know is that most of the time, I sit here, feeling like a loser.
If my life were a movie, you'd probably hate me. But its okay, as long as I'm someone you'd understand. Like any of the characters from Closer, you get them, but you hate their guts (well except Jude Law, cos...okay I hate him too, but he's the one I get the most...sort of. ANYWAY).
I was talking to one of my best friends last night and she cried when I opened up to her. She said its not the life I deserved, because I was, and I quote, "Such a happy person". And I am. I know that for a fact. I tend to be happy even during times when I'm supposed to be smothering everyone with nose goo, finishing all the tissue rolls in the world.
I know I'm not this person. Whoever this person is now. But I know that I made a choice too. Do I regret that choice that most people would call me "crazy" for? NO. I don't. In fact its one of the best things that happened in my life. One of the best, I tell you. But it all happened at such a wrong time. That at least, I am willing to admit.
I went to the loo in the morning, looked at my reflection and asked, "WHO ARE YOU?" and I just stood there waiting. Waiting for an answer.
By the way, its been a week since bliss. It was so hard for me to get out of bed today. I just wanted to lay there, remembering it all. I just wanted to be glued to the bed. Forever. There forever.
I hope all the know-it-alls who end up reading this post would shut up and not tell me how to handle this like they're perfect or try to over-analyze my situation.
Also, stop telling me its okay. You don't even know a quarter of what I'm going through. Stop telling me its gonna be fine, because I don't see it that way at this point. It may be true, but you can't make me believe it otherwise. Stop asking me where my faith is. Its still there, but like any other human being who isn't numb, I'm just tired.
I'm just so tired.