I lost count of the times I've scribbled your name(s) on papers and notebooks and whatnot. There came a time when I was so excited to bring you into the world, throwing away thoughts of responsibilities and a lot of hard work - dreaming of days I'd be walking around Makati, using your stroller as our shopping bag holder. I always told myself I'd want to be one of the hip Moms that I was blessed enough to know.
When Mama (your grandmother), was at the brink of giving up, I would whisper to her, "Ma, remember that you'll still help me raise your Grandchildren", and she would nod and say "I will try".
Ever since I married your Dad, my friends constantly asked me two questions : "Are you pregnant?" and "So when's the baby coming?" to which I respond "Not yet" and "Probably in two years".
I would say that your Dad and I want to spend a bit more time with each other, that we want to save up money because we want to give you the best of what we could, which is both true. But I always knew deep down, there was a deeper reason - that I wasn't ready. And your Dad isn't, too.
In all aspects, it feels like it dawned on me, that maybe I'll never be ready, and that I'll just have to deal with it when it happens. Somehow telling myself that I won't and shouldn't give much thought on the idea of conceiving and what I should be doing once God has blessed me with you.
I don't know, Sweetie. Maybe its because when I lost your Grandmother, it left such a huge hole in my heart and I felt hopeless. Thinking maybe I won't do such a great job because apparently, I couldn't even manage to take care of myself these days. May I add that your Dad and Granddad does all the cooking at home? Your Dad washes my clothes. Yes, I'm an awful housewife, but I guess its also cos at the moment, your Dad can manage to do all that because he's on a break. But he's going to start work soon, and I'll have to do my part.
Maybe because I suddenly felt the pressure I've fought so hard to take off my shoulders, the responsibility of having to fill in such big shoes because your Grandmom, well both of them - have such amazing Supermom skills. There's this fear that I won't be able to measure up.
Maybe because I finally admitted to myself that there are so many things I'd like to do with my life, like continue modeling perhaps, or see the world with your Dad. But I'm 25 years old. And I'm not getting any younger. There are a ton of voices in my head, voices of people who'd tell me "You better have kids now, because its hard to raise kids when you're in your 30s. Also its nice to be best friends with them, like you're siblings".
Your Grandmom and I were like that. She's my Best Friend first, Sister second, and Mother third. I would tell her EVERYTHING. When I got experimental and TRIED smoking, when I went out drinking with friends, and EVERYTHING else. I fear that I won't be able to be the same way with you. I don't want you to be keeping secrets from me. And I wouldn't know how to be as chill as she was when I told her things that Moms wouldn't be so pleased to hear of and about.
I pray that you won't turn out to be as stubborn as I am because I wouldn't know how to deal with that either. But if you do, all I pray is that I have the same heart as your Grandmother and Great Grandmother has.
The last thing I want you to feel is that you were the reason why I would give up all the other things I'd still want to do with my life. But I know, in God's perfect time, if I do give up a few things - I know that it will all be worth it.
Because everything changes when you're blessed with a baby. And I know that I wouldn't know this until the day I wrap you in my arms while we both swim in saltwater.
All I need is God's guidance and comfort. These days, the last thing I want is to be left alone with my thoughts, because its driving me nuts.
I don't even know what the point of this letter is. I guess I just wanted to get it out there. Even if I know that having you isn't really in my hands but God's, but in all honesty, at this point I'm not even sure when its going to happen (because others have apparently figured it out), all I know is this : Whether I say I'm ready or I'm not... I just want you to know that I love you. You and your siblings, depending on how many the Almighty will bless us with. I'm okay with three. Maybe two? Hee.
I'll see you when I see you, Kid(s).
Your Mom x
Your Mom x