She belonged to no one.
That was her first thought that morning.
"No one", she reiterated.
She would think about her childhood, and realized she dreamed her life away. She was a Dreamer, this one. She liked to think of her First Love, perfectly mimicking movie scenes as she rested her chin on her hand, diluted pupils staring at the top of the Blackboard, her Teacher on mute. Sometimes, when she was in the mood, it would be on slow motion as well - everything happening around her.
As she looked back and reflected on her life, she noticed how she always ended up on similar situations, with different, but actually the same type of guy.
"Do I charm these guys into wanting me when I'm in such an unwantable situation? Is that even a word?", she confusingly asks.
Do you ever believe in Soulmates? Cos this one does. She, however, with the help of one too many Paulo Coelho books on her shelf, believes that we have more than one Soulmate on Earth. She believes she has found three of them. The funny thing is (but its not funny at all), she was not tied to one of them. Like they all walked into a trap but the rest was left out, and she ended up stuck with the one that was not supposed to be there.
"No wait, that doesn't make sense", she says, correcting her own brain.
She goes back into remembering the most recent Soulmate she met, and the first time she laid eyes on him. It was perfect. She felt like she'd known him forever. The connection, the spark, whatever this world called it. All the forces in the World seemed to work in her favor, because she proved herself right the moment they kissed.
But then she fast forwards it to today and now what?
"No one", she repeats.
What did she do, why is she here? Well, she wanted this. She wanted it more than anything. And now what? Go with the flow, then. She thinks of everything that happened between them. The things he'd do. The things she'd do. Places they went. A smile turned up on her face. How can she say "No one" when there clearly is someone out there.
Someone who can't be "One". For now? Ever?
"God, I hope not."
"I don't know."
"What do you want to happen, then?"
"I don't know."
"You want this?"
"You're confusing me."
"No, you're confusing yourself."
"I guess. But I love him."
"More than I realize. More than I am capable of."
Maybe she should leave it at that.
She would give herself to him, again and again. Regardless of the cost, regardless of the consequence.
"For Love", she whispers, "For Love".
And yet during one of those nights, on separate beds, pouring their hearts out to each other, about their similar frustrations, he asks her,
"Why don't you try to be with someone new?"
"New? But I consider myself already 'with' you. Is this a test?", she asks herself, "Should I tell him how I really feel?". With the heavens falling to her face as she stared at the hotel room ceiling, she paused, convincing herself it was a stupid thing to do. "Honesty will only scare him away", she decides.
"Yeah, maybe. But eventually they all just leave me anyway", was her best response.
"You can't say that, no one knows what our life holds", he answers.
Really? That was the best he could come up with? There were so many questions in her head, "What am I to you anyway?" "How far do you see this going?" "Do you want me to leave him for you?" "Should I ask you all these things?" "What do you want from me?" "Do you really want to see me with someone else?", they were hitting her head like bricks.
And yet she could see it in his eyes, how hard they were fighting to keep things the way they were. Complicated. Complicated to a level that they could handle.
The emotions were there but letting it out by saying them would only make it harder. Saying them with their lips was easier. Saying them with their hands was easier. Saying them with their bodies was easier.
She couldn't decide who was having a harder time keeping things that way. It felt unfair for her to not think it was a tie. They were both dealing with different demons. Different fears.
And yet, every time they kissed it felt like none of them mattered. He knew what he had to do. She knew how to deal with it.
He fell asleep. She stared out the window, gazing back at him every now and then. That cheesy quote "So close, yet so far" gave her the chills, but this time it was because it was true. And it sucked. It sucked even more than saying the phrase out loud.
The next morning she jumped on his bed to wake him. She ended up lying on his waist, tapping his bottom, as if trying to get him back to sleep after failing to do the alternative. She looked up to see him, only to see a smile form on his lips while he covered the upper half of his face with his arms, shielding himself from the sunlight fighting its way through the curtains. She smiled back even if he couldn't see her. She smiled because she knew.
He looked around the Diner. People didn’t notice how they were arguing. They were pretty good at keeping things discreet.
“No, that’s not why you’re sad.
You’re sad because no one’s ever looked at you like they see through you. You know, like they know you – all of you, all your dark corners, all the cracks in your head. Like how the beautiful mess that you are drives them nuts that they want to consume you right at that moment. Like its love, and lust. So much lust, and love, and lust, and passion. Like they couldn’t wait to feel everything that you are, like being in you makes them feel what you feel, makes them know what you know, makes them see what you see. They want it all. They want you. You’re sad because you’ve never had that.
THAT’S why you’re sad”
I've been working since 2006. Worked in two different companies before landing a job in one of the best Offices in the Middle East. Worked there for five Years, before I ended up jobless a little over three weeks ago.
I've been reflecting on what the experience was like, as a whole. In the other two companies I worked for, I barely stayed a year. I was always on the lookout for better opportunities, a greener grass (maybe a Garden or something). You'd understand why it was quite difficult for me to leave this one. My job was a mixture of hard and easy, stressful and stress-free. But it was the people I worked with that made letting it go...so challenging.
Then again, I knew I needed this break. Three weeks passed, and to be honest, it felt like a month (DUH, its close to a month, but you know what I mean). Then again, I knew I needed this break (repeat to self).
Sometimes I feel like I'm on the brink of losing it because all I see are the confines of my flat on most days. I'd itch to go out with friends but when I'm out, I'd be itching to go home. I'm dealing with some serious shizz, that's for sure.
One of the things keeping me sane is the fact that I know that God never left my side through all this. Even if I've been quite distant (again, not something to be proud of), its amazing how He's ALWAYS there. I've managed to stay calm through most of this by His grace.
Also, I'm AMPED that I'll be heading to my dear Motherland (to stay for a month) in a few weeks. Oh my goodness, all the food I'd eat. ALL THE FREAKIN' FOOD. And to see my Family again, wow.
I'M SO EXCITED! And I feel so blessed. As much as I love it here... MANILA, I'M COMING HOME!
There's also something else I'm excited about. My superficial self is taking over and... okay, it won, sort of (but Ma, you'd be proud of my Restraining Powers, seriously). I'm going to do something very, very mature later. Something only my Superficial self dreamed about. Its really shallow but, I'm really happy that its finally happening. Huzzah!
Been testing the waters of Hosting recently. And boy oh boy is it not an easy thing to do. Being a Host has always been so challenging for me because I can't connect with people while I'm on stage. It feels like the Audience turns to crickets when I'm up there, mumbling. I feel so small, smaller than an ant.
But, I'd like to share these photos with all y'all :
November 8, 2013 : Moneygram had this ah-mah-zing idea of bringing Robin Padilla to Jeddah (and renting out an entire Amusement Park to accommodate everyone for free!) to make our fellow Kababayans super happy (even just for a day). It was SO hard to keep my composure (let alone, utter a word) being less than a meter away from THE Binoe! His photos (as well as his appearance on screen) doesn't do him justice. Ang lakas ng Sex Appeal! And he is just the nicest. Describing him as such is an understatement. That photo was taken while I was singing the chorus of "Maging Sino Ka Man" to him. Well he sang "Wonderful Tonight" for me, I thought I should return the favor, ha ha! I keep looking back to that day wondering how I survived without falling on stage. (Photo Credit : Pinoy Tambayan)
November 22, 2013 : F.A.M.E., A Filipino Community in the MidEast held its third season of Western Region's Got Talent, and I was given the honor to be one of their Hosts. This is me and Sir Fred, who I shared the stage with that evening. We had a Production Number in the beginning of the show and yes, I was required to dance. Little did they know that it was my first time to dance in front of a large crowd. I lolled at myself while watching a footage earlier tonight. Dancing in four inch heels? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! No wait, the challenge is actually "DANCING". (Photo Credit : Francis Anthony Jr.)
There's still so much to learn when it comes to Hosting (and not to mention, so much more kapal ng mukha to avail). Back in college, I was never really good with on-cam projects. I choose to hide behind it, armed with a pen and paper but hey - it doesn't hurt to try new things (and eventually love them later on).
That's it. It is now 5 minutes to 5 in the morning. Gotta get up in 4.
God Bless you guys.
I missed talking to you like this.
5 minutes to 4 A.M. in the MidEast.
5 minutes to 9 A.M. in the Philippines.
No matter where you are, or what time it is, this song (and the Music Video) is guaranteed to shower you with good vibes.
Let this song take control of your bum bum! Shake it off, yeah!
"Okay, goodnight", I said, as I watched you slip off your clothes, leaving them on the floor. "I'm gonna sleep now", I continued.
"No, wait for me", you pleaded, letting go of the last piece of clothing along with the rest. "I'm tired, I wanna sleep with you".
And then you jumped in bed, went under the sheets, and with my back on you, you comfortably wrapped both of your arms around me, and rested your face on my neck.
I know I'm yours, but this moment, among many others, screamed "I AM YOURS. ALL YOURS."
You're home to me, Bibi.
I wanna kiss your lips forever.
Its that kind of night.
(Thanks, Awkward. Team Matty for life)
(Thanks, Awkward. Team Matty for life)
I feel like laying down on the floor, candlelight, white christmas lights, eyes closed...while listening to this. Maybe a glass of wine, too. Beautiful. Sad, and Haunting, but beautiful.
Are you with me?