The Universe Is Tricky, Let's Watch It Pull Up Its Sleeves

You want magic? Wake up, it happens everyday. The Universe pulls tricks on us, can't you see? Can't you?

Let me share a conversation I shared with one of my friends recently :

Friend : "Let's say I've been stealing bread from this Man's pocket, and then I find out that another friend of mine ends up stealing from me. Do I have the right to be mad, knowing that this may be a result of some sort of Karmic Retribution?"

Me : "Yes you do."

Friend : "But I stole it anyway, and this person who stole from me knows that I've been stealing the bread. And he didn't go and tell on me, but he stole from me instead, you know? What right does that give me to be mad?"

Me : "Well I think it depends on your intent. You know, sometimes, we do bad things with the right intentions. Doesn't make it right though, but it makes a certain situation...understandable. If you were stealing bread to survive, I can't say I blame you at all. What if that's your only choice? I know that sounds silly because there is always a better choice. But sometimes the Universe could be cruel, and stealing bread is all you have left."

Friend : "So I have the right to be mad?"

Me : "You know, if your friend really understood you, and knew the reason why you were doing such a thing, he wouldn't have stolen from you in the first place."

Sometimes people do things that society has always branded as "bad". To be fair to Society, yes - it is bad. Murder is bad, Rape is bad, Theft is bad, everything that can make a person curse his own existence as a result of these actions are bad. And not acceptable. But what is the intent?

Do you ever think that those + plus - equals negative/positive equations apply in real life too? You know what they say about Math.

There are things in my life I am not proud of, but do I regret it? No. How can I hold my head up high, you ask? Well, it is because I knew my intentions. I know myself well, and I know where I am, and where I stand. It is the key to survival, I believe. Know who you are. Know what you stand for. Know what you are willing to die for.

But you know what, not to be a hypocrite, I admit there are days (lots and lots of days) when I'd look at the world and wonder if it would ever understand me. I question the sky, the trees, the wind. I ask them if they ever find themselves marveling at me, this creature, as they stroke their beards and allow their eyebrows to meet, analyzing my moves, predicting the next. I wonder if they could read my mind and feel my heart. Sometimes I wonder if they'd be all like "Meh, we should cut this girl some slack, its apparent enough, this poor kid's got her brain on her heart".

I wonder.

I heard this saying that goes like "If you love your decisions, you wouldn't need anyone else to approve of them". True that. 

I am not in the best situation, but I don't really feel the need to ask for people's opinions. Which is also why I thought it was best to keep things to myself and at least 1 friend. It is why I find comfort in writing Shorts, both Fiction and Non-Fiction, and leave my blog readers to wonder which is which on every post. It is why I can open up about the matters of the mind and/or heart without worrying if there is anything for you to judge. It is why I don't care of the negativity "coming out of" my posts. "I am responsible for what I say, what you think of what I say is another thing."

Intentions. Knowing them can quite liberating, if you ask me; Knowing yourself is liberating as well.

Knowing yourself is the most important part.

And the rest can just jerk themselves off.

I'll Kill Me If This Ends, Please Don't Make It End, Please Don't.

I shouldn't want this, and yet here I am - on my knees, on the bathroom floor, wishing, praying, wishing, praying.

It is a constant struggle between knowing what is possible in this life, and in my dreams. Trickier than you think.

I said too much again, didn't I? How unfortunate is it for me to find myself in this place. Feeling all these emotions I am not allowed to feel, saying all these words I am not allowed to say. 

Echoing my Heart's thoughts might push you away, but keeping them in pushes me to my death.

Where are these boundaries we never put to words? Its like a constant race with you. You hold my hand then let it go. As soon as we've made it to the next lap, you make a turn and run away. And then I stay here, waiting for you. 

You come and go as you please. And I let you. 

And you say you miss me, you say you love me, and I believe you.

Don't you feel the pain in my kisses? As I trail my lips from yours, to your cheek, to your ear, to your neck?

Don't you feel the pain in my hugs? How I refuse to let you go, how I cling to you like a pained little Koala Bear?

You don't understand.

I love you even if I am not supposed to, and yet I fight for it with every ounce of my being. I keep telling myself I'll be loving you for as long as God decides to wake me up to another morning, but until when will I have the ability to let you know that? Until when will you be there to hear it? To feel it?

How many more times will you choose not to even come up to me to say "Hi"?  And how did you do that? You knew I was there and yet you chose to stay on the other side of the road. How do you do that? Why did you?

When you come back, how can I ever say "No" to you, when at the back of my mind, a crawling thought I try my best to suppress makes its way to my conscious, yet numb mind, saying "What if he does it again, what if he drives off the parking lot and out of your life for a little while?"

But then I stiffen my upper lip, and say "I managed before, I can do it again. All that matters is this moment, all that matters is he's here". 

And then what?

I am left wanting more, you are left wanting more, but you handle the "wanting" part better than I do. 

What are we doing.

I don't know. Somehow I don't want to. 

I'm sorry, I love you.

I'm sorry I let it happen.

I'm sorry I chose for it to happen.

I love you.

How can you do this when you know I love you, with all that I am, I love you.

Stone

When you choose to ignore me, you know, one of the few times you do it on purpose,

you make me feel like I am the biggest mistake you've ever made.

And when that happens, I don't end up hating you, because I never can.

But I end up hating myself.

Because right now, I think of myself as someone who ruined your life.

I think of myself as someone you wished you never met.

I think of myself as someone you regret.

I feel like you think of me as the Devil.

Like all I ever do is bring you bad luck.

And it is why you choose to stay away.

It is why you choose to ignore me.

But all I am, is just a girl.

I'm just a girl who loves you.

Do you want me to apologize for that?

Knives

One Giant BlockBuster Coming Right Up?

Ever read or saw "Love in the time of Cholera" ? 

I feel that's where I'm headed. A lifetime of struggle, you know? A mix of waiting and making things happen.

And as soon as it gets there - the best part of the movie, that's when it all ends. 

Would you say it was too short to live? This moment of clarity, finally, after all these years of going in circles of believing its going to happen, and then giving up, and then believing its going to happen - that its here at last?

And then you die.

Would you say it was worth it?

You're there. You know the meaning of life. You know what its like to die and be brought back by the same kiss.

I wish that sometimes, you know? When I'm feeling sheer bliss, I just wished I'd die that same day, or night - so I wouldn't know or feel what its like to be disappointed after being so happy.

I know its part of life, I know some people have it worse, but we're all built differently and this is not the kind of life I imagined for myself.

When I think about my life, put into film, I get confused of its overall theme and vibe.

There are movies that come very dark, in terms of the dialogue, the plot, the color palette of the whole theme - the set design, the actors' clothes, you know, like Blue Valentine. Depressing all throughout even during the happy scenes. As well as Revolutionary Road. Or Irreversible. The scarring kind.

Or would there be a typical transition to differentiate the good scenes from the bad, dreams from reality - like The Matrix or Inception, subtly hinting you that "Ooooh this is your imagination", or "Meh, this is reality". A shifting of colors and moods.

I wonder what my genre is. I wonder if the plot will be like Clint Eastwood's movies with his signature "Twisted Happy Endings". Will it have a loud finish, or a very light, but deep end?

Falling Slowly (Cover)

Covered one of my favorite songs yet again. This never gets old! I loved it the first time I heard it so... I hope you like it too, somehow.

Like A Star (Cover)

Here's one of my favorite Corrine Bailey Rae songs!
Its an imperfect cover but I'm uploading it anyway.
(YOLO! Loljk)

I appreciate your Cover Requests too! I'm doing my best to get to it soon.A few of the ones on my list are : Lil Eddie's "Statue", Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings", and P.Diddy's "I need a Girl" as well as The Sweet Hurt's "By The Time". Wish me luck! 
I'm partially done too with another song I'm composing, yihee. My inspiration for that one is Alanis Morrisette's "Your House". All out a cappella! 
Enjoy the weekend, guys (well, for those in the Philippines)! And for the rest of us in Saudi Arabia, hope you have an awesome jumpstart to your week! May the force be with Miami Heat (even if I love Derrick Rose)!

She Won't Apologize For Loving You

She watched you drive off. Adoring the sight of you maneuvering your way out of the parking space.
She stood there by the window, wondering what you were seeing on our way out.
Were there cats crossing the street?
Was there an empty plastic bottle on the side of the road?
Were there birds eating leftover crumbs on the floor?

Another car drove on the opposite side, I wonder if he saw you.
But then he's a guy. He won't marvel at the beautiful man that you are.
But he must know how lucky he is to have had sight of you.
She wonders how you looked like.
She wonders if you were smiling like her.

As you continued to drive carefully, she wonders if you were holding your phone, one of your habits she hates.
She wished you had your seatbelt on. But you never use the seatbelt. Well you did, a couple of times, when she would force you to.

Before you disappeared to turn at the corner, she closed her eyes for a second, imagining she was right next to you.
Because all she wanted was to breathe the same air you did.
See the things you did. Sit in silence with you.

She wanted to reach her hand out from the passenger's seat to yours. She wanted to run her thumb through the back of your hand.
She just wants you around. She wants you all the time. All the time.

All the time.

She wants you forever.

I Miss Rain

I miss Rain. 

I miss falling asleep to the sound of its dripping lullabies.

I miss snuggling in bed, sinking on my pillow, wrapped in the comforting bliss of my Duvet.

I miss Rain.

I miss feeling the cold air it gives.

I miss the raw scent it delivers to the ground.

I miss Rain.

There's something about Rain that cleanses the human soul. Doesn't matter whether it gets you when you're outdoors, running to or from work, or school; or in the comfort of your own home. 

There's something about Rain that brings clarity ; promise. That there will be better days. Its almost as if, by the sound of its raindrops it says, "Enjoy me while I'm here, better days are coming ahead".

There's something about Rain that makes you feel loved. That very moment you find yourself in sync with everything it brings. You lie in bed, taking a deep breath, closing your eyes - and you are at peace. Like everything is right in the world, and that nothing  else matters but this very moment. Regardless if you are sharing it with a loved one, or by yourself. 

I remember back in College, before I moved to the Dorms - I would light up candles in my room, turn off the lights, and listen to Des'ree with the volume turned up, and I'm under my blanket, contemplating on life.

I remember when my Cousin, Chie and I would dance under the Rain in our house clothes, banging our hands on the gates of our home in Laguna, believing it would make the rain pour harder, and then feeling a sense of longing when the skies start to clear.

I remember back when I was 4 years old, sitting on my Mother's lap while she rides shotgun to my Grandfather driving to one of our Family reunions in Pasig late in the evening. It was raining, and that particular moment stayed in my head, and has been one of the earliest memories of my existence. I remember watching the windshield's wipers dancing back and forth, and I would pity its repeated unsuccessful attempts to clear our view of the Rain. 

I miss Rain.
I miss how it would make me feel like one day, I would feel someone breathe at the back of my neck, and make my shoulder his pillow, as he would continue to trail the tip of his nose to my back, where he finally retreats to slumber after wrapping me in him.

I dream of Rain.
I dream when this would finally happen.
And then maybe I could go, God could take me right there and then.

While it rained.

To Live Like B

I remember seeing her when I was in Kindergarten, my Mother pointed her out to me "Nee, look! Its the pretty girl from the Ivory Commercial!" and I remember seeing her opposite the escalator I was on. I couldn't forget her beautiful face, even from afar.

Fast forward to more than a decade later, while shopping at Mango, there she was again, on the counter, paying for what seemed like a hill of clothes, her hair down, no make-up on, I forgot I was a girl and straightened myself up, wiped the drool off my face.

Bianca Araneta (now Elizalde). After all these years, and 3 kids, she still possesses the same grace and elegance she has from the first time I saw her.

Fortunately, she doesn't only have a pretty face, and a fat bank account. Usually you'd think women like this are bimbos, or that their brains are probably misplaced, like, on their ankles maybe, I don't know. But not Bianca.

She is an animal lover. She loves her family, the beach, she loves food, and she loves life. None of that superficial stuff. Or maybe she does, but she doesn't really feel the need to boast about it because clearly there is more to life, and that's what she wants the world to know through her Instagram posts.

"Its been over a week since my last post on Instagram. I guess you could say I've been living life. This self-imposed break came from the curiosity to see if I can actually do it, to move away from what I enjoy and what I'm used to, because changing the daily grind is not always easy can throw someone off-kilter. But I like to challenge my willpower and breath outside my comfort zone once in awhile. Like my wanting to abstain from eating mammal meat for a week turned into a commitment lasting more than 18 years. My desire to live clean- drug and cigarette free-has become a lifestyle. Never in my life have I EVER touched the stuff despite what other thought my high school and college years would do to me. Now lingering somewhere in my mid-thirties, I loved that I've proved them wrong. Oh and I quit drinking alcohol almost 10 years ago. Just like that. Cold turkey. Why am I telling you all this? Because it doesn't hurt to challenge yourself and make big changes in your life every now and then even if it makes you uncomfortable to do so.  After all, nothing will change, if you don't change."

She wrote that as the caption of one of her Instagram posts, in which, I am sharing a few, because from looking at them, you'll see something else that emanates around her, its not just her beauty, but the positive aura, the easy, bright and timeless vibe she possesses. 

(photos grabbed from her Instagram account)
 
How can you not love this Woman? She is such an inspiration!

Bianca is one of the few Women you can really look up to, who has lived clean and still, you can look at her and say "She definitely YOLO-D".

I said this before, you know? There's nothing wrong with partying, staying up late, thinking that the world will end tomorrow. But letting these things define your life shouldn't really be an option. I'm not saying that you should only show people the "prim and proper" side of yourself, but we owe so much to the future generation. So much good that the past ones taught us was forgotten.